No, Paige, No! Not Again!
You don’t know how it pains me to bring up this topic again… but for the sake of fairness and honesty, I can’t pretend that everything is just fine. I like to share how I take the bull by the horns and give him a run for his money, but this time the bull’s chasing me, and I think I might be wearing a curly wig and huge clown shoes that are seriously tripping me up. That’s right, here we go on miscarriage. My close friend, whom I tell most everything to, pointed out that whenever she asks how I’ve been doing, I bring up something related to being not-pregnant again, or my whacked out cycles, or anything related to making or not making babies. She asked if I was trying and I didn’t want to admit I was, but how can keeping track of days and shooting for the right timing and thinking about it non-stop not be called trying?
It really sucked to have this pointed out, that I was letting this control my thoughts and cause me stress, especially because I don’t know that I am even ready to go through it again… it being all that pregnancy can entail. I realized that maybe what I was dealing with was grief. What? Yeah. GRIEF. But I don’t feel sad; I’m not in mourning… I feel good about life (other than the weekly reminder at Bible study that I am in-fact NOT pregnant and everyone else is).
Remember your last serious breakup? You probably had either one of two reactions: 1) You felt like a serious failure wanted to avoid love at all costs and avoided jumping in to something new or 2) You felt like a serious failure and wanted to prove that you could indeed love again and weren’t as broken as you thought. Miscarriage is absolutely nothing like a serious breakup, but I find myself on the rebound, wanting to prove that my body is indeed functional and I am not really a failure, as if I were certain that it was my body responsible in the first place. What a terrible way to deal with grief. Hello child, your middle name is “REBOUND” because your mom only got pregnant with you because she was hurt and wanted to prove something.
This is what rainy days and rock music are for – sitting at the pottery wheel and being able to do something well. These are times where I probably need Jesus to wash over me, but I opt for sludgy hands and loud radio blasts of U2’s “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”.
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8 Comments
Amy
Maybe Jesus washes over you via sludgy hands and rock music.
Jane
Ok, so I can't relate about the miscarriage part, but the break up…you couldn't say better what I am feeling right now. Thanks for being so honest, paige. I really appreciate it.
Jessica
1. I know you've been hit hard this year and I believe God will bless you whatever that may look like right now.
2. Google ads has some weird stuff when you talk about grief.
Andrea
Paige write about it every day if you need to! I second what Amy said.
Colin and Holly
um, this is YOUR blog so write whatever you want! miscarriage changes you forever. not to say that you won't be ever find peace in your life, but how can you really get over losing a child/ren?
also, there might be feelings of "rebound" but i think it's also about redemption. there's an overwhelming sense that something that was supposed to be beautiful and true has gone horribly wrong and you want the situation to be redeemed… that's how i feel anyway.
Shelley
Well said Paige. Pregnant women who were (rightfully so) blissfully ignorant that anything could possibly go wrong in their pregnancy, people not even mentioning my losses like nothing ever happened – those were two of the hardest things to deal with. I am so thankful to have a baby girl and then after 3 unexplained miscarriages, a baby boy. I'm not so much in mourning for the three but I can say that they are missed. I cannot name an old boyfriend that I miss! So the analogy ends there for me.
Maybe you bring it up because if you don't then no one else will?
I am so enjoying what I'm reading on your blog. Thanks Paige.
Paige
Thanks for the encouragement. We can enter into Jesus's healing and redemption in many ways… writing, pottery, friends, even in another pregnancy. Sometimes we can't get there until we let ourselves be real with how we feel. I'm always trying to control how I feel and it can bite me in the butt.
Yes, google ads has a tendency to be very strange when I talk about grief or about Jesus.
MoDLin
Miscarriage isn't easy. We can't say, "OK, I'm done with that" and put it up on the shelf to be forgotten. It's hard.
The March of Dimes has created a bereavement kit for parents who have suffered a loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. It is sensitive and informative and many folks have found it helpful. You can review the info at this link (http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572.asp) and even order a free copy if you think it would be helpful to you.