(Don't judge me)

by - May 31, 2011

Oh for the love of deep thoughts, where have mine gone!? I think I've been struck by a bit of internet shyness. That's not to say I haven't written out a post here or there processing PPD and my sorting through thoughts on ending treatment. I just haven't hit "PUBLISH POST". Do you know what that tells me? I'm at a cross roads and I'm not sure what I think of my own inclinations. I don't want to set myself up for judgement or too hastily judge myself.

Do you ever process your life via written word, only to go back and read it and realize you were being totally unfair to yourself? I think there's a fine line between being too harsh and being brutally honest. Some of the things I could judge myself for are the very personality traits and struggles that shape the person who I have become.

So here is it. I'm scared to go off the medication.

Forgetting how I was before it, as child, as a teen, as a ramblin' (wo)man on the college campus, as a new mom, I'm reluctant to give up this new balance I have found. I question what exactly it is that sustains me. I recently read a post on depression by a friend who got to the point where she questioned whether it was she or the pill smiling.

I have so much to smile about, so I doubt it's the pill smiling, but the pill certainly dulls the anxiety that might have kept me awake during the early morning hours or kept me at home on the couch rather than spending much needed time with friends. As another friend recently pointed out, perhaps the pill also dulls things other than the anxiety. This is a valid question. Very little moves me. Yes, I can cackle bellyfulously at our antics around the house, but rarely do I feel a stirring in my heart that moves me to tears or joy, and there are times I feel I should be moved.

From a practical standpoint, Wookie is almost a year old now and everyone sleeps through the night. I don't have to lie awake worrying over the next feeding. I've got a strong network of friends ready to remind me in Whom my value lies. I feel strong. The doctor has already given me the green light to slowly go off it if I felt ready but also said I could stay on it a couple more years if I wanted to. Could it be time?

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8 comments

  1. Wow. What a crossroads. I haven't been there myself, but I've been there with friends. Sorry you go through that, but happy to hear that you have a great support system around you.

    ps...I like the snap of your back pocket jeans. Holy Hotness.

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  2. Are you talking about my Walmart jean shorts in the picture of me on the slip-n-slide? Why yes, they are hot ;)

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  3. I haven't been where you are but I'm praying for you as you work through it all. You are an amazing influence to so many and God is going to continue to work great things in and through you! Sending a hug your way.
    A

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  4. hey PP (can i call you PP? we're at that level, right? haha.) 1) i totally think this is a personal decision and no amount of outside opinions should dictate your decision. (i know you better than to think you might do something just cuz someone told you to, but i thought i'd make the point anyway. ha) and 2) i think you're at a great advantage if you do decide to go off them. rather than PPD sneaking up on you and creeping into your life like a slippery snake, you can sneak up on IT. the mere fact that you know it could happen allows you to check yourself and notice the small symptoms before they get too big. journaling through this could help you notice them - maybe make a checklist of your thoughts for the day. you have the strategic advantage ;-) finally, 3) i'm sure that if you allow those who love you to, i mean ACTUALLY REALLY give them permission, they could help you notice them as well. you're not alone. you'll never be alone! we all love you!

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  5. OH I was SO worried to go off my medication. I was terrified of withdrawal (rightly so - it sucked), worried I'd be miserable and somehow not realize it, and afraid more than anything that I simply wouldn't be able to make it without that pill. The first time I stopped antidepressants my fears were correct. I shouldn't have stopped at that time. The second time (four months ago!) my fears weren't realized. I feel good - I feel lots of things.

    I guess just remember this: It's an easily reversible decision. If things aren't great after you stop the medication, you can always restart it!

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  6. one of my best friends struggled with the thought of going on medication. it was just that "what's wrong with me?" feeling that made her so uneasy. it meant she had "emotional problems" -- that she wasn't "normal" -- that she used quotes like "matt foley, motivational speaker." ha! aaaaanyway... she also said going on it was the best decision she could have ever made -- it was the right decision for HER.

    i just think you are in the same situation only at the {possible} end of the cycle. meaning, you are in a position to make the best decision for you. what about talking to your doctor about a combination of vitamins that might allow you feel comfortable going off the medication, but be supported by something more natural?

    honesty is refreshing. honesty about would-this-be-better-left-unsaid topics is refreshing +1. i like you, puckett.

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  7. Thanks for so much wonderful encouragement! After the day I had with Daniel yesterday, I need tons of help in the patience department. I may stick with it a couple more months and reevaluate. There is definitely some pride tied up into this decision. I want to prove something, which is so stupid.

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  8. I just heard something on the radio today, and felt compelled to pass it on. take it or leave it. the pastor was talking about how much (but certainly not all) of depression is spiritually caused, and doctors don't even believe in the spiritual realm. therefore, they will prescribe pills as their only choice to combat the depression. but we have other options, including prayer and spiritual warfare, should the issue be spiritual in nature. will pray for ya. love you! and thanks for the honesty on a difficult topic!

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