Just a fuddy-dud.
Last night I got to hang out with my best gal who happens to be very successful in her career. Reflecting on my own path - a career never really took off and instead I am in a nest full of little boys. After a long several days of being quarantined, I think must be feeling a little tortured and trapped. Too many hours of PBS kids and whining can do that to a mama.
So as my head hit the pillow, it wasn't long before I was dreaming. Very strange dreams. I found myself in a very chic computer lab filled with girls from my high school class who were all in highly successful careers on the west coast, in legalized same sex marriages with progressive hair and clothes, and they didn't recognize me because I'd gained 20 pounds. It was all fiction except for the 20 pounds of course. I felt like such a loser as I blundered my words trying to explain that I was more than just a fuddy-dud stay at home mom - that I had a part time job teaching distance courses and that gardening was indeed very cool.
So what is it that no matter how much I trust that the Lord has led me to this point in my life that when faced with others' successes, I fall under a wave of insecurity? My friend and I talked about how when we aren't secure in our place and our identity, we can project other people's choices as judgement of our own. In general, I am quite content with my path, but I guess after a week of sick and whining kids, it's not fun. Other paths began to look like a nice escape. My friend always seems to have exciting crossroads and decisions to make. My life doesn't - or at least my skill developments and personal growth don't come with monetary reward or promotions.
Would I change anything right now if I could? I don't know. I do have a dream of starting a garden consulting biz where I help design and install veggie gardens for people. The real issue though isn't whether or not I'm maximizing potential, but whether I'm seeing what I do as a way to glorify God. (Group groan - bringing it back to Jesus here). If what I choose to pursue comes out of a quest to assert my identity or develop it or to make something more of my potential, I miss the whole message of the cross.
Christ's potential was massive. He could have called down hoards of angels to rescue him from the cross. He could have revealed all His glory and sent the people trembling away in terror. However, he submitted to the path which God called him to - and God was most glorified by his humility. He has redeemed millions of souls by making himself nothing. In doing this, He has lifted me up as a daughter of the King, and nothing can ever change that. I have nothing to prove to myself or to others, so that motive can be taken off the table. I can persevere in my path as straight and uneventful as it can at times seem, and I can be ready and prepared for any turns and bends He brings my way.