Post PPD, Church, and the Struggle to Believe
My feelings towards my church of 10+ years are ambiguous at best. Where
I’ve landed today is with gratitude for and love of my immediate
community of believers, those I’ve held close and who have done the same
with me, yet disengagement with and distrust of my church. I won’t say
exactly what events have led to this place, but I know the ache in my
heart I feel over those on the fringe – those whose marriage status,
gender, age, personal struggles, season of doubt, past sins or current
sins feel less than – not in the eyes of Jesus of course, but in their
value to the church.
I’ve landed today is with gratitude for and love of my immediate
community of believers, those I’ve held close and who have done the same
with me, yet disengagement with and distrust of my church. I won’t say
exactly what events have led to this place, but I know the ache in my
heart I feel over those on the fringe – those whose marriage status,
gender, age, personal struggles, season of doubt, past sins or current
sins feel less than – not in the eyes of Jesus of course, but in their
value to the church.
And yet I know I am deeply and unwaveringly loved by God.
As
I’ve shared in the past, the last five years have not only brought two
amazing children to our family, but they have also brought two
miscarriages, severe insomnia, and postpartum depression brought on by
the sleep deprivation, which coincidentally have overlapped with the
church struggles. Thankfully, my doctor helped me out and I found
emotional stability and sleep for the better part of two years.
I’m very thankful for the medical intervention that pulled me from a
dark place and enabled me to care for my family and myself. Then a few
months back, seeing Wookie’s reaction to my tears, I realized he had
never seen me cry. I could only remember a couple of times that I’d
cried since being on antidepressants, but I could feel the numbness and
my calm façade of spiritual apathy beginning to form cracks.
I’ve shared in the past, the last five years have not only brought two
amazing children to our family, but they have also brought two
miscarriages, severe insomnia, and postpartum depression brought on by
the sleep deprivation, which coincidentally have overlapped with the
church struggles. Thankfully, my doctor helped me out and I found
emotional stability and sleep for the better part of two years.
I’m very thankful for the medical intervention that pulled me from a
dark place and enabled me to care for my family and myself. Then a few
months back, seeing Wookie’s reaction to my tears, I realized he had
never seen me cry. I could only remember a couple of times that I’d
cried since being on antidepressants, but I could feel the numbness and
my calm façade of spiritual apathy beginning to form cracks.
This
season of frustration with the church, which began shortly after Scooby
was born, was tucked away for a while (I thought I had moved past it)
before resurfacing in the past year as my entire perception of it was
blown to bits. This was accompanied by severe distance from God. I began
to question His very existence and wasn’t too troubled about the depth
of my doubts. I could blame it on the winter blues, but this felt darker. I was actually quite overcome with cynicism and began to
view believers as those simply seeking peace over or a consolation prize
for enduring the harshness of life. I observed the smiley Christians,
and saw their joy as foolish, their love, insincere, and I wanted
nothing to do with that. I saw others crush each other and say mean
things about each other. I saw reconciliation and apologies but a lack
of restoration. I found religious projections verbal or written doused
in smug-faux-holiness that only served to alienate me farther from the
church – quite the opposite of the intentions of the authors.
season of frustration with the church, which began shortly after Scooby
was born, was tucked away for a while (I thought I had moved past it)
before resurfacing in the past year as my entire perception of it was
blown to bits. This was accompanied by severe distance from God. I began
to question His very existence and wasn’t too troubled about the depth
of my doubts. I could blame it on the winter blues, but this felt darker. I was actually quite overcome with cynicism and began to
view believers as those simply seeking peace over or a consolation prize
for enduring the harshness of life. I observed the smiley Christians,
and saw their joy as foolish, their love, insincere, and I wanted
nothing to do with that. I saw others crush each other and say mean
things about each other. I saw reconciliation and apologies but a lack
of restoration. I found religious projections verbal or written doused
in smug-faux-holiness that only served to alienate me farther from the
church – quite the opposite of the intentions of the authors.
Then
in January I got a random text from my friend that Jesus was going to
seek me out that day. Actually, she said “Today God’s gunna be all up in
your biznass… He’s got something for you.” Immediately I assumed I
would find myself in a car wreck and hospitalized, because God (if He
were in fact real) would obviously have to cause me pain to turn me back
towards Him. I drove as carefully as possible to pick up Scooby from
preschool and waited the rest of the day for something bad to happen. As
I relayed this bit to her semi-shocked self, it became quite evident
that I had trust issues with Jesus and it was time to start a new
conversation with Him. I’ve always leaned strongly into Him in times of
hurt and loss, but during seasons of “normalcy” or at least of minimal
drama, I’ve never learned how to lean in. So I assume that in order to
reconnect, He’s going to bring pain. My response to her text was a bit
of a shock to my system, and I knew it was time to wean of my medication
and begin the other side of healing.
in January I got a random text from my friend that Jesus was going to
seek me out that day. Actually, she said “Today God’s gunna be all up in
your biznass… He’s got something for you.” Immediately I assumed I
would find myself in a car wreck and hospitalized, because God (if He
were in fact real) would obviously have to cause me pain to turn me back
towards Him. I drove as carefully as possible to pick up Scooby from
preschool and waited the rest of the day for something bad to happen. As
I relayed this bit to her semi-shocked self, it became quite evident
that I had trust issues with Jesus and it was time to start a new
conversation with Him. I’ve always leaned strongly into Him in times of
hurt and loss, but during seasons of “normalcy” or at least of minimal
drama, I’ve never learned how to lean in. So I assume that in order to
reconnect, He’s going to bring pain. My response to her text was a bit
of a shock to my system, and I knew it was time to wean of my medication
and begin the other side of healing.
After
carefully coming off a two and a half year relationship with a low dose
antidepressant (with my doctor’s permission) and coming off a
prescription sleep aid, I began to feel and process again. The thought
that crossed my mind several days after my last dose as I was driving
through downtown Raleigh was that a world without the Father was a very
sad, very scary and hopeless place. Then I chose to remember the times
He had carried me. I remembered how He was my sole companion many nights
during my early college years and I remembered how He wept with me
during my second miscarriage as I twelve weeks pregnant sat alone to the
silence on the sonogram. Also I heard my five year old child’s heart
seeking to know more about God and heaven and looking to me for answers
and preaching to me about grace. Finally, I didn’t feel shunned or
judged. I saw that He was there regardless of my anxiety about the
church keeping me outside its doors. I felt His patience with me, and I
cried out. I know You are there, and I know You aren’t letting me go. I just don’t know what I believe. When
I chose in that moment to believe that He was there, my soul was
responding to that seed of faith He planted 25 years ago. And I cried. I
answered a friend’s phone call after sending her a heartfelt “this is
where I’m at” email, and I was a blubbering yet joyful and awake mess.
carefully coming off a two and a half year relationship with a low dose
antidepressant (with my doctor’s permission) and coming off a
prescription sleep aid, I began to feel and process again. The thought
that crossed my mind several days after my last dose as I was driving
through downtown Raleigh was that a world without the Father was a very
sad, very scary and hopeless place. Then I chose to remember the times
He had carried me. I remembered how He was my sole companion many nights
during my early college years and I remembered how He wept with me
during my second miscarriage as I twelve weeks pregnant sat alone to the
silence on the sonogram. Also I heard my five year old child’s heart
seeking to know more about God and heaven and looking to me for answers
and preaching to me about grace. Finally, I didn’t feel shunned or
judged. I saw that He was there regardless of my anxiety about the
church keeping me outside its doors. I felt His patience with me, and I
cried out. I know You are there, and I know You aren’t letting me go. I just don’t know what I believe. When
I chose in that moment to believe that He was there, my soul was
responding to that seed of faith He planted 25 years ago. And I cried. I
answered a friend’s phone call after sending her a heartfelt “this is
where I’m at” email, and I was a blubbering yet joyful and awake mess.
As I’ve continued to deal with my doubts, I’ve seen that maybe there is a difference between faith and belief.
Ephesians
2:8. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not
from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one
can boast.
2:8. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not
from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one
can boast.
Faith
is something God gives us. It is His grasp on our souls that is
steadfast no matter how far we wander off, no matter how much we kick
and scream with our hands over our eyes pretending that He can’t see us.
He lets us go out in the world, reject Him, and while we are headed
back His way, He’s there waiting. And while we’re out on the town face
in the pig slop (even this internalized kind), He doesn’t love us any
less. His affection doesn’t wane. We are just as valuable to Him and as
precious to him as the most steadfast long-suffering deacon who serves
week in and week out. We are approved.
is something God gives us. It is His grasp on our souls that is
steadfast no matter how far we wander off, no matter how much we kick
and scream with our hands over our eyes pretending that He can’t see us.
He lets us go out in the world, reject Him, and while we are headed
back His way, He’s there waiting. And while we’re out on the town face
in the pig slop (even this internalized kind), He doesn’t love us any
less. His affection doesn’t wane. We are just as valuable to Him and as
precious to him as the most steadfast long-suffering deacon who serves
week in and week out. We are approved.
And
sometimes, I think we need to see that. We need to drop all the balls
we are juggling and be reminded that though we fail, though we
absolutely do nothing, though we may not even be able to believe, God is
still on his throne sustaining us and He isn’t talking smack about us
to the people that actually seem to get it right. Though the church
grows up all around us so that no one recognizes our faces any longer
and we feel like a complete stranger in a place that once felt like
home, there is an eternal home and Kingdom and a loving father that is
always welcoming us in. Always has the table set for us. Always stoops
to wash our feet – our dirty pig-slop, tired and weary feet.
sometimes, I think we need to see that. We need to drop all the balls
we are juggling and be reminded that though we fail, though we
absolutely do nothing, though we may not even be able to believe, God is
still on his throne sustaining us and He isn’t talking smack about us
to the people that actually seem to get it right. Though the church
grows up all around us so that no one recognizes our faces any longer
and we feel like a complete stranger in a place that once felt like
home, there is an eternal home and Kingdom and a loving father that is
always welcoming us in. Always has the table set for us. Always stoops
to wash our feet – our dirty pig-slop, tired and weary feet.
And
then there is belief: the choice to drown out the lies with truth, the
struggle to see Jesus’ face amongst the crowd, the climbing up the tree
to catch a glimpse as he walks by, rowing the boat to the other side of
the lake to spend a moment with God. Perhaps belief is the struggle to
respond in truth to the person of Jesus.
then there is belief: the choice to drown out the lies with truth, the
struggle to see Jesus’ face amongst the crowd, the climbing up the tree
to catch a glimpse as he walks by, rowing the boat to the other side of
the lake to spend a moment with God. Perhaps belief is the struggle to
respond in truth to the person of Jesus.
Mark 9: 24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
This
unbelief that has been plaguing my heart, in some regards is a choice.
I’ve heard the phrase, “Doubt your doubts,” and while that is a
fantastic idea that I wish I’d employed, I’ve instead leaned into my
doubts. Has this changed my status before God? No, but it has made me
spiritually ill.
unbelief that has been plaguing my heart, in some regards is a choice.
I’ve heard the phrase, “Doubt your doubts,” and while that is a
fantastic idea that I wish I’d employed, I’ve instead leaned into my
doubts. Has this changed my status before God? No, but it has made me
spiritually ill.
Psalm
42:1-2. As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my
God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and
meet with God? God is the water for our soul.
42:1-2. As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my
God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and
meet with God? God is the water for our soul.
Choosing
unbelief or opting to pull away from God is choosing liquor over water
when we are parched. When we pull away from God, we deceive ourselves
into thinking we are better off alone, but what we actually experience
are echoes of death. However, God doesn’t let us go. There’s no
spiritual hospice, because we were created in God’s image as eternal
beings. Our souls don’t die. They either rage on in defiance masked in
enlightenment, apathy or tolerance or they relent to Him. The fire of
the Holy Spirit that burns inside is constantly whispering to us and
crying out to the Father on our behalf.
unbelief or opting to pull away from God is choosing liquor over water
when we are parched. When we pull away from God, we deceive ourselves
into thinking we are better off alone, but what we actually experience
are echoes of death. However, God doesn’t let us go. There’s no
spiritual hospice, because we were created in God’s image as eternal
beings. Our souls don’t die. They either rage on in defiance masked in
enlightenment, apathy or tolerance or they relent to Him. The fire of
the Holy Spirit that burns inside is constantly whispering to us and
crying out to the Father on our behalf.
Romans 8:28.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know
what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with
groans that words cannot express.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know
what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with
groans that words cannot express.
I’m now struggling to accept that my church attendance has nothing to do with God’s hold over me. As
my same friend who sent the poorly received text of encouragement says,
even if I stayed on the couch and ate Cheetos the rest of my life, God
would still love me just the same. However for so long, I’ve allowed my
involvement in and usefulness to the church to define my value to God.
And this error of identity is what has caused so much friction and pain.
While God doesn’t let us go, sometimes the local church does let us go,
and sometimes it fails to love and blames others for its failings. So
due to that issue of transferring God’s role onto a corruptible
institution, as I have struggled with the church’s shortcomings and use
for me, I have struggled with God.
my same friend who sent the poorly received text of encouragement says,
even if I stayed on the couch and ate Cheetos the rest of my life, God
would still love me just the same. However for so long, I’ve allowed my
involvement in and usefulness to the church to define my value to God.
And this error of identity is what has caused so much friction and pain.
While God doesn’t let us go, sometimes the local church does let us go,
and sometimes it fails to love and blames others for its failings. So
due to that issue of transferring God’s role onto a corruptible
institution, as I have struggled with the church’s shortcomings and use
for me, I have struggled with God.
Until
I believe that God alone is worthy of my worship and defines who I am,
my connections with the church are bound to get warped. I do believe in
loving the local church – the local church is part of the body of Jesus,
and you know what? I do. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be hurting for it and
constantly thinking about it. I just feel I’ve had an unhealthy
relationship with it as I’ve sought it to provide me with the security
and identity that can only be found in Jesus. And yeah, the church has
really made some mistakes.
I believe that God alone is worthy of my worship and defines who I am,
my connections with the church are bound to get warped. I do believe in
loving the local church – the local church is part of the body of Jesus,
and you know what? I do. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be hurting for it and
constantly thinking about it. I just feel I’ve had an unhealthy
relationship with it as I’ve sought it to provide me with the security
and identity that can only be found in Jesus. And yeah, the church has
really made some mistakes.
Eventually
God does win us back, having never truly lost us in the first place. He
wins back our belief, our love, our obedience, our enjoyment and
worship of Him. And if we can learn to forgive and trust that His design
for Godly community here on earth is possible, though broken as it will
be, He wins us back to a local body of believers. This past Sunday I knew it was time, and as I slid into one of the back rows a few minutes late, it was okay. I felt I was supposed to be there. And appropriately, we sang the line, “if you tarry till you’re better, you will never come at all.”
God does win us back, having never truly lost us in the first place. He
wins back our belief, our love, our obedience, our enjoyment and
worship of Him. And if we can learn to forgive and trust that His design
for Godly community here on earth is possible, though broken as it will
be, He wins us back to a local body of believers. This past Sunday I knew it was time, and as I slid into one of the back rows a few minutes late, it was okay. I felt I was supposed to be there. And appropriately, we sang the line, “if you tarry till you’re better, you will never come at all.”
15 Comments
Andrea
You just somehow said everything I didn't even know was in my heart. I am so glad you took the time to share this. I love hearing your thoughts and walking with you (even from a distance). This right here is so profound – "Perhaps belief is the struggle to respond in truth to the person of Jesus."
paige.puckett
Thanks. You and I are often on the same page and seem to go through these waves together. I'm lucky to have you.
Mama Goose
Oh Paige, this resonated so deeply for me. I'm dealing with many of the same church part struggles, but your exploration of the difference between faith and belief is so useful to me today. Church struggles are making belief and heart struggles, and I'm not through it yet. Thank you for your honesty, vulnerability, and wisdom.
paige.puckett
My hands were shaking as I hit post. It's so encouraging to hear from others in the same boat.
Lauren Minard
I SO appreciate your willingness to talk about these things. I've been in such a similar place in regards to both church and belief for quite a while and have only this year begun to feel some softening… some reality breaking through my doubts and frustrations. I have a feeling I'll be chewing on some of the things you've written here for a while. Thank you, again.
paige.puckett
Hooray for softening! I think more of us need to be open with our struggles so that struggling isn't so scary.
Dré Szkolnyj
Thank you for sharing Paige! Thanks for speaking truth.
paige.puckett
You are welcome 🙂
sharon
from your lips to God's ears, i know.
i'm walking that path right beside you. i'm healing slowly but surely as we have been involved with a new church family for over a year now. it's been slow-going but i'm seeing God pulling me all along the way in many different areas — church, marriage, fertility, friendship, questioning, fear, anxiety. some days i am so emotionally exahusted from it all but i know then that i am just taking a 15-minute breather from plodding onto continue the hike. over time i've felt my body & mind strengthening & slowly but surely my spirtual life, too.
thank you for always writing so well, resonating the struggle that faith & belief can be. i have been encouraged to see you struggle with God & know Him all that time.
paige.puckett
It's been encouraging to have you reading along all these years!
Whitney
This part stopped me in my tracks, and I had to read it two or three times:
"When we pull away from God, we deceive ourselves into thinking we are better off alone, but what we actually experience are echoes of death. However, God doesn't let us go. There's no spiritual hospice, because we were created in God's image as eternal beings. Our souls don't die. They either rage on in defiance masked in enlightenment, apathy or tolerance or they relent to Him." (emphasis added)
Thank you for writing, Paige, and for expressing your struggles so honestly. I've admired that about you for a long time. Much love for you.
paige.puckett
Back at ya.
Krista
hey paige
I am there with you too! I have been a little more angry with my reaction to hurt by the church and silence from God. Perhaps a little more reactionary in rejecting everything and taking a 6 year hiatus from church and talking to God. I'm slowly working my way back. Trying to feel out how to have luke-warm full of gray faith when the church can be so black and white. Hang in there!
Hugs,
Krista
paige.puckett
Thanks! You hang in there too 😉
Dairygal
Thanks for writing Paige. God certainly gave you a gift, if nothing else, to get to the point and expand on it with words that touch so many others. I almost missed this post to sew a little while Isaac played on the floor and Jackson watched a well earned cartoon (he let me pull out a nasty splinter). I feel much of your pain and anguish, and pray you can stay medication free and find sleep and peace of mind.